The reality is… nobody is really used to any grim suffering. Yet, whenever I feel relaxed to sleep on my back, I tell myself, ‘I’m ready for some nightmares.’ It is because this sleeping position makes you vulnerable to bad dreams (…so they say). I assume that if I can warn myself beforehand, things might be more bearable. However, there are things easily foreseen that I can never bear. They created gods for this, to have a higher power with massive hands where we can place our baggage as we go to and fro, running away and running back.., carrying on living.
Being Christian-born, I have moments of prayer when faced with actual, harmful encounters. Yet, whenever my suffering comes from deep within or from future self-assumed predictions, I can’t stop myself from questioning all our beliefs. I still call myself an omnist because, after all, I respect all this world’s forms of a god. I can’t be an atheist anymore after staring death in the face. It was a stage in my life that felt like I lived upside down and was spiraling down until the bottom, where I finally received various forms of help, the place where I could get up. Not everyone can understand the blankness of emotions once you decide ‘that’s it,’ and I can accept that. Yet, nobody can shame you for accepting help, if they were not in your place.
I am struggling with everything. I am so afraid, spiraling down…yet at the bottom or once I wake up…it’ll be alright.
“The worst you look when you dance the better it is, the more beautiful you look to the world…because the world can see that this person is free. And freedom is a very handsome thing to wear…”
— AURORA
“I don’t need a cure for me…”
AURORA Setlist at New Frontier Theater
Goddess of Dusk (Instrumental Intro), Churchyard, Soulless Creatures, Infections of a Different Kind, The River, A Soul With No King, Runaway, Exist for Love, Artemis (Acoustic), Heathens, The Forbidden Fruits of Eden, The Dark Dresses Lightly, The Seed, Starvation, Giving In to the Love
ENCORE: Cure for Me, Some Type of Skin, Invisible Wounds, A Little Place Called the Moon (Instrumental Outro)
shot on Pixel 8 Pro
Just Aurora being an Aurora
Playing A Soul With No King
from seeing them solely on screen to experiencing watching them in real life
I started listening to Aurora because of her announcement of the Sky: Children of the Light virtual concert at The Game Awards in December 2022. After that, for two consecutive years, she became my top artist on my music streaming app.
I can’t say, ‘Oh, I’m pretty disappointed in myself because I just listened to her lately.. I should have tried her music since 2014 or earlier.’ I’m actually glad I started listening to all her songs at a perfect time because, at these moments, I can only find comfort and a safe space with her music.
I’m a fan of many genres. I listen to grunge and rock music, such as Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Björk, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Pixies, Joy Division, and Pink Floyd; classical music, like Claude Debussy, Beethoven, and Johannes Brahms, and many more; and pop music like K-pop, J-pop, and art pop. I couldn’t care less about the genre, so long as I like the lyrics and the vibe.
AURORA in Manila finally happened! it felt like a dream…. so surreal and ethereal ..she’s so beautiful
But if I were given a chance to thank Aurora personally, I’d thank her for making songs that ‘warriors and weirdos’ can relate to. Perhaps the moment I finally saw her perform live on stage, with her very presence here in Manila, I was able to finally show my gratitude to her.
Yaelokre and ena mori opening for AURORA! I love their energy and I’m so proud of them! T’was genius to choose them as the front act!
I’m so glad I found her calming music as she conveys the message of protecting nature and fighting for life with her ethereal voice.
Whenever I get busy because of my job and life hassles, I can always listen to her music while traveling back and forth from work to my bedroom community. (It takes approximately two hours each way, but traffic could make it three hours each way.)
These days, I feel like my mental health is falling into different holes. It’s like a ball trying to escape a labyrinth, and the puzzle walls are mood and personality disorders, depression, and PTSD. But to love so many things…astronomy, nature, music, omnism, and art…I feel like I can still reach one more day, and I still want to do more and more things. There are so many fascinating wonders in this world… like you!
me…waiting for the concert to get started
Attending the virtual concert (Sky Game) as a moth (new player).. to reality..
“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche
A few days ago, I was so low-spirited that I even thought having reasons to live is a torture due to the pressures of life. I’d forgotten everything I learned from my last hike in Mt. Arayat. Yes, I hiked Mt. Arayat’s QUAD PEAK on January 26, 2025.
All peaks of Mt. Arayat that I’ve reached:
TKO/Alde peak: 850 MASL Pinnacle peak: 920 MASL South peak: 943 MASL North peak: 1030 MASL
Dayhike, major, 7/9 difficulty level, trail class 1-4
T’was initially supposed to be a twin-peak hike (Pinnacle-South), but the first group I joined canceled it. So, I joined a different group, which was planning to hike the quad peak. I told myself, ‘This has to be my fate,’ though I was a little scared.
TKO/Alde Peak
One mistake could have been fatal, literally. And the mosquitoes were relentless, biting through the gaps of threads of my pants. Yes, they were able to bite me even though I was wearing long sleeves and pants; their proboscises could penetrate the fabric. So, I strongly recommend applying insect repellent before the hike if you don’t want to be devoured by Mt. Arayat’s bulky mosquitoes (these mosquitoes are on steroids.) Another crucial tip…bring 3-5 liters of water, as there are no water sources at all.
I was weak, but not alone. I was slow, but I was part of a group of slow hikers as well. We were a group of 12 joiners with one lead and 2 guides. Six in our quadpeak squad were experienced hikers, while the rest, including me, were only just beginning our major hiking adventures.
Pinnacle Peak
The team of experienced hikers finished the trail in only 10 hours. Our group, with our sweeper guide, finished it in 18 hours. We took long rests between peaks, I admit we reposed too much, and I almost gave up during the third peak. I wasn’t sure I could finish the fourth and final one. Fortunately, everyone was determined to complete the hike, so I did too. (I was so tired, I have no sleep the night before the hike as well)
I felt a bit ashamed that it took me 18 long hours. But hey! No one got injured, and we completed it as a (technically) day hike!
South Peak
While hiking this mountain (which I had only seen from the expressways before) I learned that I could do something properly, continuously. (It was a rare feeling for me to work on something correctly without major mistakes, without stopping) Imagine if I had slipped or stepped on the wrong route? I would have definitely been injured, or worse, fallen off a cliff. (This mountain is technical, with countless 70-95° ascents and descents. Full of vines, thorny plants, loose soil, and untrustworthy rocks.)
North Peak
I was so determined to reach each peak during the ascents that I avoided mistakes. I was so relieved to reach the peaks that I had some minor stumbles during the descents. I realized that each path requires the same determination to return home safely. Climbing down is also scarier (my knees were shaking) and more exhausting than climbing up.
I had my reasons to hike…to reach the summit and peaks…so I used my strength to overcome all the challenges. Now, I need to find the ‘whys’ of my very existing so I can face my unending hows. My God! It’s a lot…to be honest. (I know the feeling of having no reason to live… it’s as if my stomach is filled with cold gas, and nothing more. An icy void. It’s a painful emptiness, a feeling so intense that death seems preferable. It’s the sensation of being hollow while a cold wind tries to pull you under.)
Mt. Arayat Quad Peak was my very first 7/9 difficulty hike.
Now, I can’t (yet) hike again, there are so many bills to pay. But for now…mountains can wait.
“Getting to the top is optional. Getting down is mandatory.”
ANAMEMOIR 